Starring:

Michelle Rodriquez as Kadin Van Helsing, Lacey Chabert as Skye Talisker, Laura Prepon as Lori Carew, Elijah Woods as Jeff Lindquist, Caroline Dhavernas as Grace Hatherley, Laura Pyper as Casey Pierce, Mandy Musgrave as Hadley Ramirez, Alexis Bledel as Denise, Steffani Brass as Shannon Matthewson, and Gary Oldman as Mr. Jason Felix

Guest Starring:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas as Magic Shopper, and Elisabeth Röhm as Kate Lockley

Fade In:

Int.

Cleveland – Abandoned Garage – Night

The air was swirling with dust as the two slayers punched, kicked, and staked their way through the ranks of the vampires. Quickly dispatching two more, they did a synchronized twirl back to the center of the room and then, together, staked the last vamp standing.

After watching the demon crumble into ashes, they looked at each other and grinned.

"Tag-team take-down," Faith quipped.

"Simultaneous stakeage," Buffy added.

They laughed and gave each other a high-five. Then they headed out of the old garage, dusting themselves off as they did so.

Cut To:

Ext.

Cleveland – Sidewalk – Later

As Buffy and Faith headed back toward the Council Headquarters, they stopped at an intersection as a lone car drove down the deserted streets.

As they waited, Buffy turned to Faith and said with a smirk, "I’ve got one of my post-slay H’s roaring. Care to join me in sating it?"

Faith laughed and said, "Just one of the H’s? Which one is it? Hungry or Horny?"

Buffy just rolled her eyes.

"Maybe another time," Faith told her. "Enjoy your burger and shake."

Faith turned right, in the direction of HQ. Buffy turned in the opposite direction.

"And thanks!" Faith called over her shoulder as she walked away.

Buffy smiled.

Cut To:

Ext.

Cleveland – Side Street – Minutes Later

In a much better mood now, Faith actually walked with some energy in her step. But then she heard footsteps behind her. She cut her eyes back but kept up her pace until she turned a corner.

Cut To:

Ext.

Cleveland – Alley – Minutes Later

As Faith moved off the street and into an alley, the footsteps followed. Faith stopped in her tracks.

"All right, whoever you are, you’re pissing me off," she called out as she slowly turned around. "Prepare to get a camera shoved up your—"

When she looked behind her, though, no one was there. Her expression was surprised and then worried. She looked left and right, even at the walls above, but there was nothing. She shook her head and then turned back to keep going the way she had been heading.

When she made the turn, she suddenly found someone right in front of her. She jumped back and pulled out her stake. Then she did a noticeable double-take at the person who stood before her.

"Detective Lockley?" she asked in disbelief. "What...what are you doing here?"

Kate Lockley, Faith’s arresting officer in Los Angeles, narrowed her eyes in a look of disdain. "What do you think I’m doing here?" she said. "Convicted murderer, escaped fugitive....Time’s up, Faith." Kate pulled out a pair of handcuffs and pointed in Faith’s direction. "Now drop the stake, turn around, and put your hands behind your back," she ordered.

Faith’s eyes darted around, checking for escape routes.

"Don’t even think about it," Kate warned, resting her free hand on the gun holstered at her side.

Faith let her shoulders slump in defeat as sad resignation entered her eyes. She dropped her stake and turned around, putting her hands behind her back.

Cautiously, Kate walked over and put the cuffs on Faith’s wrists. As soon as she had the slayer secured, a feral look came over Kate’s expression, and she violently shoved Faith face-first into the alley wall.

Kate pressed her body against Faith’s back and whispered into her ear, "Well, that was way easier than I expected." Then she flipped Faith around to face her.

Stunned from the impact with the wall, Faith had to blink several times to bring Kate into focus. "What the hell...?" she mumbled.

"Hell is right," Kate said smugly, morphing into a vampire’s visage just as Faith’s vision cleared.

"No! NOOOO!!!" Faith screamed, but it was too late. The vampire pinned her against the wall and drove her fangs deep into the slayer’s neck, reducing her screams to strangled gasps.

Cut To:

Int.

Faith and Robin’s Apartment – Bedroom – Same Time

Faith woke up screaming and panting for air as she sat up straight in the bed. She reached for her neck and visibly relaxed when she felt no wound there. She closed her eyes and tried to slow her breathing.

"Bad dream again?" said a sleepy voice beside her.

"Yeah," Faith said without opening her eyes.

"Same one?"

"Yep. Always the same."

Just then the phone rang, startling Faith again. She put her hand over her racing heart and growled in annoyance before reaching over for the phone.

"What?" she answered in a huff. Then she instantly changed her tone. "Ace! Hey..." She glanced nervously over at the bed. "How’s Sydney?" She listened for a few moments. "Great. Sounds like things are really going... great over there." She listened again and then looked at her clock-radio. "Yeah, I was asleep. It’s like 2:00 a.m. here." She listened once more then said, "Okay, sounds good. I love you, too. Bye."

Faith hung up the phone, let out a long exhale, and then plopped back against her pillow. Within seconds, Buffy snuggled up beside her and rested her hand on Faith’s stomach.

"You okay?" Buffy asked softly, concern in her eyes.

Faith shook her head. "I don’t know anymore." She turned onto her side to face Buffy. "I mean...what are we doing?...Everyone here is clueless about all this."

"I thought that's the way you wanted it?"

"It is, but...where is this going?"

"It’s not going anywhere," the blonde replied matter-of-factly. "That’s the point, remember? ‘Get some and get gone.’ Old School Faith...New School Buffy. All thanks to a cursed vacation to the Caribbean."

Faith grinned, but it was only for a moment. "Yeah, not a bad idea in theory. Nice for avoiding complications but..."

"Nice to relieve tension too," Buffy said as she nipped at Faith's earlobe. 

"Heck, that goes without saying, B," Faith agreed. "But...I'm not Old School Faith, not anymore..."

"So now you want more? Is that it?" Buffy asked.

"I don't know what I want," Faith replied. "That's the entire point...I’m engaged," she said guiltily. "I shouldn’t be—"

"And I’m your boss," Buffy countered. "I shouldn’t be either."

"My boss?" Faith replied. "No, we're co-workers if anything. I don't take orders from you, B."

"Just chill, Faith, you know what I mean."

Faith sighed heavily once again. "Tell me why are we doing this?"

"Because we want to," Buffy said, reaching over to push a lock of hair off Faith’s forehead. "Because we need to...for whatever reason." She looked into Faith’s eyes. "I know things have been tense for you lately...Hope, the book, all that tabloid stuff...So if you really want to stop..." Buffy let the sentence hang as a question. 

Faith glanced down for moment to gather her thoughts. When she looked back up, there was hunger in her eyes. 

"No," she said in a husky voice.

"Good," Buffy said before pulling Faith over for a crushing kiss.

Cut To:

Int.

Watchers Council – Cafeteria – Later That Same Morning

"I just don't get it," Casey said.

"Get what?" Buffy asked as she and Faith came over with the trays. 

Casey scooted down. Faith and Buffy took a seat next to each other. Around the table were Casey, Lorinda, and Grace as well as Willow and Rowena, whom the pair of slayers sat across from. 

"How birds can be better than blokes," Casey replied. "Give me a man any day." Lorinda raised her glass, and Casey clinked hers to it. 

"I'll second that," Lorinda answers. "The muscles, the...firmness...I'll take the guys, thank you. You can keep the dolls."

"I don't think girls are better, just different," Willow said to Casey, as Rowena nodded in agreement.

"What's your theory, Red?" Faith asked. Buffy glanced in her direction as if to say 'don't get into this conversation'. Faith just gave her a sly grin.

"Well, I think women are more gentle than guys, softer," she replied.

Smash Cut To:

Int.

Faith and Robin's Apartment – Undisclosed Time

"It was only supposed to be one night," Faith told Buffy as she violently pulled the jacket from her shoulders, letting it drop unceremonious to the floor.

"I know," was Buffy's only response.

Faith charged the blond and kissed Buffy passionately. She suddenly pushed her against the doorframe of the bedroom she shared with Robin, who was nowhere to be found at the moment.

"Oh, yes," Buffy cried out.

Immediately Faith reached up, and her fingers buried deep into Buffy's hair, balling it in her fist. She violently pulled the blonde slayer’s head back, making both women whimper in desire. For her part Buffy wrapped her arm around Faith's shoulder, pulling her even closer, as she began to pant in desire. 

With Buffy's neck exposed, Faith's lips bruised the skin from the force of the suction as Buffy pulled Faith even closer by grabbing her hips. When that wasn't enough, Buffy began to unbutton the fly of Faith's denim jeans.

"Off," Buffy panted as she struggled with the garment. "Now!"

Cut To:

Int.

Watchers Council – Cafeteria – Resume

"Well, wouldn't that really depend on the girl?" Buffy asked, joining the mix, subconsciously bringing her hair further over her shoulder. "I'm sure there are lots of guys who can do the tender Barry White lovin' too," she argued.

"It's not just about the act itself," Rowena offered. "Like..." She paused as if looking for a starting place. "Oh, take women's lips, for example."

"No thank you," Lorinda said, making Casey giggle.

"Women’s? As in plural?" Willow asked her wife. "How many exactly?"

Rowena paused for a moment as if unsure how to answer. She finally said, "Let me make my point..." Willow nodded for her to continue, so Rowena looked back to Buffy. "You've never kissed a girl, Buffy, so you don't know, but even their lips are softer."

Smash Cut To:

Int.
Island – Condo – Faith's Room – Night

Faith was near her bedroom mini-bar when she heard the door open. A mischievous grin came to her lips, but she didn't turn around from pouring her drink. 

"Temptation got to be too much, huh?" she asked, her grin still in place.

When she turned around, she found Buffy standing only a foot or two away. The blonde took the drink from Faith's hand and put it on top of the bar as her other hand cupped Faith's face, bringing her in for a soul scorching kiss. When they finally parted, Buffy rested her forehead against Faith's. 

"Your lips are so..." Buffy panted, trying to catch her breath. "I want..."

"What?" Faith asked knowingly. "More?"

"You," Buffy answered firmly. "I wanna taste...and...feel...every inch of you. I wanna feel your body on mine. I wanna—”

Before she could go any further, Faith silenced her with a desire-filled kiss. 

"You always were all talk, no action, B," she teased. "So prove me wrong," she said as she took a step back and raised her hands slightly, egging her on. 

Buffy's jaw set, and she met Faith's challenge by tackling her to the bed.  

Cut To:

Int.

Watchers Council – Cafeteria – Resume

"You're saying guy lips aren't soft?" Buffy asked.

"She's not going to get it," Willow told her wife before turning to Buffy. "You really need to kiss a girl to understand."

"You volunteerin', Red?" Faith asked mischievously.

Willow blushed, "Nooo, I'm just saying."

Faith shrugged and turned to Buffy. "Give us a kiss, B. Tell me if I'm soft," she said as she puckered up. The table laughed, and Buffy firmly, but gently, pushed Faith back with an unspoken warning. Faith just smiled. 

"What I mean," Rowena continued, "is that it’s a different kind of softness. When you kiss a girl, there's no stubble for one...well, there shouldn't be anyway," she said with a giggle. 

"Yeah, if you've got stubble, better check the plumbing before going further," Faith replied, making the table laugh.

Cut To:

Int.

Watchers Council – Hallway – Later

"I can't believe you today," Buffy said once she and Faith were alone, walking down the hallway.

"Me?" Faith chuckled. "Hey, you jumped into the discussion just as much as I did, B." Faith continued to giggle. "You really need to kiss a girl to understand," she said, trying to sound like Willow. "Ha! Boy, if Red knew just half of the things you've done with this girl," she added pointing at herself.

"Keep it down," Buffy warned. 

And if you thought this was the real episode, HA!

Happy April Fool’s Day...

Fade to Black

End of Act One
On to Tainted